This Is The Most Important Thing To Make A Relationship Successful, Say Psychologists Who Studied 40,000 Couples

This is the most important thing to make a relationship successful

This Is The Most Important Thing To Make A Relationship Successful: Over the past 50 years, we have examined love in great detail.

More than 40,000 couples who were preparing to undergo couples counseling were studied by psychologists.
In addition, we have been happily married for 35 years, so we have some experience with happy marriages.

In a lab experiment, for instance, we were able to accurately predict, after only 15 minutes of observation, whether a marriage would continue.
How frequently a pair “turned toward” rather than “turned away” from their relationship was one of the main deciding variables

The best relationship tip is to ‘turn toward’.

A pair makes and responds to what we refer to as “bids for connection” as they turn toward one another.
Bids might be small, like screaming out your name to get your attention, or major, like requesting that more profound needs be addressed.

The happiest couples are astute enough to recognize when their partner is putting in a bid and, if necessary, stop what they’re doing to respond.

Here’s an illustration: Your partner says, “Oh, this is an interesting article,” as they swipe through their phone.
(This is a connection request.)

One of three options exists for your response:
  1. By moving closer and acknowledging their attempt to connect, you can: “Oh, right? What’s the matter?”
  2. By swerving away, refusing to notice, or actively refusing to acknowledge their attempt to connect: While concentrating on your screen, you continue to type the email you are working on.
  3. By looking away from them and abruptly cutting off their communication: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”

Turning toward strengthens the basis of an enduring partnership by fostering affection and a sense of cooperation.

Of course, it’s impossible to face your partner at all times. In contrast, the couples who remained together for at least six years did so 86% of the time in our lab study. Only 33% of those who got divorced actually did so.

How to improve your relationship by practicing leaning toward
Don’t worry if you feel that your relationship’s turning has waned. The course correction you made may take some time to take effect, much like turning a large ship.

It will be beneficial to turn the wheel a little, then a little more. Here are three strategies for doing that:

1.  Start by checking in for 10 minutes.

Choose a moment when you can listen to your partner and are not in a hurry to leave. It can happen early in the day over coffee before work or later in the day after the kids have gone to bed.

“Is there anything you need from me today?” is a straightforward question to ask.

This gives your partner a chance to consider their requirements and makes it evident that you wish to support them. It also gives kids encouragement that you’ll make an effort to respond positively if they express their needs.

Whether your partner says, “I need a break from the kids,” or “I’d love to have lunch with you,” genuinely try to accommodate their needs.

2. Gather the coins.

Think of any potential moment of connection or interaction as something of worth, even if it appears small or fleeting, just as you would pick up a coin or dollar bill if you spotted one on the street. Pennies accumulate with time!

Watch out for these requests to connect:
  • Keeping a gaze
  • A grin
  • A sigh
  • A direct request for your assistance or focus
  • Saying “good morning” or “good night”
  • Requesting a favor
  • You being read anything out loud: “Hey, listen to this.”
  • Pointing out a specific item: “Look at that!”
  • Your name is being yelled at in another room.
  • Being depressed or sad
  • Lugging anything big by themself physically and displaying frustration

3. Don’t give up right away.

Your emotional availability and your partner’s emotional availability won’t always match up perfectly. It’s okay that way. Here’s how to respond:

  • Don’t ignore a bid from your partner if you are unable to accept it – Just quickly describe why you’re unable to be available: “Although I truly want to learn more about this, I currently have [X] to complete. Can we discuss it once I’ve finished my meeting?”
  • When you place a bid and they don’t answer, just keep trying – If they miss a few of your bids. However, if there is a pattern, call it out: “I don’t want to seem judgmental, but I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. What’s going on for you right now that’s making it difficult for you to respond?” (They can be worried, overworked, or busy.)
  • When a spouse makes a negative offer – it may seem as though they are trying to start a fight (e.g., “It wouldn’t occur to you to make dinner tonight for once, would it?”). Ignore the criticism and answer the deeper, covert offer: “I recognize your frustration and fatigue. You can take a break while I make dinner.”

If you’re dating and unsure about what to do next or if you’ve been married for 50 years, these techniques will be helpful. You only need to be willing to give it a shot.